Learning to Fly-Fish

A few weeks ago we started fly-fishing and through it, God has tested my patience and taught me new lessons.

It all started with a day of learning at “The Angler’s Covey” fly-fishing store. Xan and Cory had told us that we were going to get up early on a Saturday morning and meet at the Angler’s Covey by 8:30am. I had a hunch that we weren’t actually going to be fishing yet, but I figured we were going to be just picking out some flies or something.

I have been fly-fishing a few times with friends and felt like I knew a fair amount. Not that I was a great fisherman by any means, but I thought I knew the basics. I was wrong. The day started with Fly-fishing 101. It was a “Basics of fly-fishing” class taught by who I believe to be the owner of the Angler’s Covey. In that hour long class, I learned more than I had in the 3-4 times that I had been actually fishing. The teacher put into words things that I had taught myself through trial and error. For instance, he talked about how a good cast involves loading your rod like a catapult, and the concept of “shooting the line”.

We learned about different types of rods, different types of lines, leaders, tippit, fly presentation, etc. I began the day thinking that I knew something about fly-fishing, but as the day progressed, I realized how much of a novice I actually was.

After Fly-Fishing 101, we went to a class on fly-fishing knots and then we took a class on aquatic insects.

The class was taught by a guy who worked at the Angler’s Covey and had a degree in aquatic entomology. Talk about a man who is passionate about fly-fishing, this guy loves fly-fishing so much that he devoted his life to the study of the insects that fly-fisherman try to mimic!

He told us about 4 types of flies that we really needed to know: May flies, Caddis flies, Stone flies, and midges. He also told us about the life cycles of these bugs. Midges and Caddis flies go through 4 phases in their life cycle while May flies and Stone flies only go through 3. He told us about how these flies live in the water but as they go through their life cycles, they eventually emerge, spread their wings, and fly.

All of a sudden, fly-fishing made sense. I finally realized the interconnection of the sport and the lifestyle of a fish. In traditional fishing, you stick a worm on the end of the hook and hope that a fish is stupid enough to chomp down on it. In fly-fishing, you are truly thinking like a fish. You are finding out what their food source is and then trying to mimic it.

I also learned that different flies hatch at different times. If you try to throw a May fly out there when Caddis flies are hatching, the fish probably won’t bite. It’s incredible! At a certain point I realized that fly-fishing isn’t just fishing....it’s hunting.

Although I learned a lot throughout the day, I was a little frustrated at the fact that I wasn’t able to pick up a rod and start casting. I consider myself to be a pretty visual learner. When I see something, I get the basics of it and I am usually able to do it with reasonable competence shortly thereafter. However, that entire day, we were all around fly-fishing but we were never able to grab a rod and start throwing the line around. It was truly a lesson in patience.

Later that day, we went to Tim’s house. Tim is one of the men involved in the program to teach and mentor us. In stepping into Tim’s garage, it is clear that he truly has a passion for fly-fishing. It was amazing. He had an old watch-maker’s desk that he had turned into his fly-tying station. There were probably 40 or 50 little drawers that were filled with hooks, beads, feathers, wire, thread, etc. All for tying flies. As he told us a few stories and showed us a few pictures, I knew this guy was a fly-fishing master.

After the pit stop at Tim’s house, we drove out to a river to see fly-fishing in action. If I was frustrated at not being able to pick up a rod at the Angler’s Covey, this was even worse. We got out to the river and broke up into small groups. We were each with one of the leaders...and we just watched. They talked about what they were doing, told us how to approach the river, showed us how to cast, how to “mend the line”, and countless other things about fly-fishing...but I still never touched a rod!

I felt as though God was thwarting my attempts to just jump into things like I usually do. So many times I have thrown myself at things with minimal instruction and then hated the fact that I knew nothing about what I was doing. It was apparent that both God and the program directors wanted to TEACH us about fly-fishing and once we were ready, they’d let us fish.

It was a completely new concept for me. I’ve realized that I haven’t been taught many things in life. It’s mostly been that I’ve simply learned from watching. Certainly it’s a good quality to be able to DO from only seeing, but now I can see that in many ways it’s kept me mediocre at a lot of things. It’s evident now that it’s impossible to become truly great at anything without learning it from someone else.

Throughout the week following, we had many more lessons about fly-fishing. Tim came back to teach us more about the sport and was accompanied by a man named Ron who shares the same passion that Tim does. We watched a few movies, talked about our previous fishing experiences, and finally, they deemed us worthy to fish.

It was a week later that we got to actually fly-fish. The Training Ground crew met with Ron and Tim at 6:15am and we drove to a place called Rosemont Reservoir. It was a mountain lake at an elevation of about 10,000 feet. It was gorgeous.

Upon reaching the lake, I immediately began falling back into my old habits. I began taking what knowledge I thought I had and putting it to use. I started by removing the rod from the case and putting it together. I then attached the reel and began threading the line. All of a sudden I paused to watch what was happening around me. Xan was busy teaching a few guys how to thread the line, Cory was helping someone tie on their leader, Ron was showing someone how to tie a clinch knot, and Tim was helping someone pick out a good fly. I was in the midst of older men who were here to teach...and I was still trying to do it all myself.

Why is it that we feel as though we need to take on the world by ourselves? Why do we feel like we have to have everything already figured out? Why do we have so much trouble simply allowing ourselves to be taught?

Some are better than others. Some of us can admit that we don’t know how to do something and approach new things with a wonderful child-like willingness to learn. Others (such as myself) feel as though we need to know everything. There’s a certain level of embarrassment involved in asking for help.

I can think of countless times when I’ve had absolutely no clue about a topic and instead of admitting that I was clueless, I simply faked it. Mountain biking is a great example. I know just enough about mountain biking to fake it.

A man that I’ve worked with recently is really into mountain biking. He was telling me about the new Chris King hubs that he got. In reality, I have no idea who in the world Chris King is (I still don’t know...I’m assuming he’s a professional mountain biker of some sort). I also don’t even know what the guy meant by “hubs”. Was it just the “hub” of the wheel or is that some sort of mountain bike jargon for the entire wheel? I still don’t know! But what did I say to him? “Chris Kings...wow...no way...that’s amazing...I’d love a pair of those.” I faked it. I’ve been doing it my whole life.

Back to fly-fishing. Here I am at some mountain lake near Colorado Springs going to fly-fish in what I consider the “big leagues”, and I’m still trying to fake it. I’m still trying to pretend that I have it figured out. On the outside I’m giving off the vibe: “I don’t need help setting up my rod...I’ve done this before...I’m practically a pro.” On the inside I’m thinking: “Am I doing this right? Did I put the reel on the correct way? What fly do I use? Was it 5 or 6 turns on the clinch knot...?”

So finally I swallowed my pride and I began asking all the questions that I had as they came to me. It was an incredible feeling. I admitted to myself that I didn’t have it all figured out and so I asked someone who knew. You know what happened? I learned. I was taught. Now I know.

It wasn’t just setting up the rod that I asked about. I began asking questions about casting, fly placement, and eventually reeling in a fish! These men were here to teach and once I welcomed that, I was able to learn.

In a lot of ways, we have a similar experience with God. Whether we think we have it all figured out or think that we SHOULD have it all figured out, many times we simply do not ask for help. I had a resource at my disposal when these men agreed to come to Training Ground and teach us to fly-fish...it was my choice as to whether or not I’d use that resource. In the same way, God can be a resource for anything and everything we ever have questions about...but it is up to us to ask him for help.

We’ve gone fly-fishing many other times since that first day and each time I’ve found myself falling into the same old habit of doing it on my own. Some of those times, I’ve continued in my solitude and done my best to catch fish. Other times, I realized what I was doing and went out of my way to seek the advice of the men there to teach.

It’s clear that when I bring myself to a place of humility and allow myself to learn, it is for the better. There’s a new level of confidence about fly-fishing that I would never have had if I continued to fake it.

I can tell that it’s not exactly a “quick-fix” type of situation that I’m dealing with here. For my whole life I’ve been trying to do it on my own and been reluctant to ask for help in almost anything that I’ve done. I feel as though every new experience will be a battle against myself. I’ll have to fight the urge to “fake it” and allow myself to be taught. Whether that means learning from an older man, friend, peer, etc. or if it means learning from God, the resources are there...all we have to do is ask.

My First Job

Our first day at Labor Finders, we didn’t get any work. Luckily, the following day, Richard was a lot nicer. He seemed to be in a better mood. I get the feeling that a lot of the workers that come into that place aren't very reliable, so I bet that it meant a lot that we simply showed up 2 days in a row.

On day 2, we showed up at 5:15am so we could be one of the first few people there and be high up on the list. Thankfully, our persistence paid off and a few hours later Richard asked if I wanted to move dirt for Rampart Construction. I had already made an agreement with myself that if he offered me a job, no matter what it was, I'd take it...so I said yes. The contractor that asked for workers had requested 4. I was hoping that all 4 of us would have the same job, but it didn't work out that way. Luckily, Richard asked Chad if he wanted the same job and Chad accepted as well.

The first day was difficult. When Richard said "moving dirt" he wasn’t kidding. That's all we did. We dug holes in dirt, spread out dirt, packed dirt down, loosened dirt...you get the idea. Actually, it's difficult to describe what we were working with as "dirt"; it was basically large chunks of clay. Our tools consisted of spade shovels, square point shovels, and picks.

Basically, we were preparing some condo foundations for the plumbers and people laying concrete. There were shin-high concrete walls all around and we were to fill in dirt, break it up, spread it out, pack it down, and even it out. The foundation was probably 5000-7000 square feet.

I'd say that it was probably the most physical work that I've ever done in a day. I was extremely exhausted by the end of it both because I had gotten up at 4am and because I had worked harder than I've ever worked before for 8 straight hours. Even Chad, who makes his living as a carpenter and general handyman, was worn out.

Chad and I had both worked our tails off and our boss took notice. He asked if we wanted a "repeat" for the next day meaning that he wanted us to come back and work for him again. Although neither Chad truly wanted to come back, we knew that it was a good sign that we got invited back. We also knew that it would probably get us in Richard's good graces, so we accepted.

It was 4:30pm when we finally got off work, over 12 hours after we had woken up for the day. Exhausted, Chad and I went back to Labor Finders to return our equipment and pick up our checks for the day's work. (Oh yes, I forgot to mention that at this day labor office, you get paid on a DAILY basis. It’s just another feature of the job that allows for there to be no commitment beyond a DAY.)

So we picked up our checks and I was shocked. $45.32. Seriously?! I had been up since 4am and busted my butt for 8 straight hours and I only got $45.32?? Yes...it was correct. $7.10 per hour for 8 hours minus taxes (and a $2 transportation charge) puts you at about $45.32.

Never in my life have I made as little as $7.10 per hour. When I started my first job at Spring Creek Ranch Golf Course, my starting pay was $6.50 per hour...but I got tips on my check! All in all, that $6.50 per hour probably averaged out to around $8 an hour after taxes!

When I got that check, a whirlwind of emotions went through my head. At first I was just shocked, then frustrated, then angry. I worked harder than I ever had for 8 hours and then got less money than I ever had!!

But then God humbled me. I started to see how blessed I have been for my entire life. I’ve never really had to want for anything. For most of my life, I’ve had everything handed to me on a silver platter. For the people that are doing Labor Finders, this is an every-day thing. They regularly arrive at the office at 5:30am in HOPES that they will be given some sort of manual labor job shoveling dirt or picking up trash for 8 hours so that they can scrape together enough money just to make it another day. And I thought that I had problems.

So I quit my internal complaining, sucked it up, and mentally prepared myself for another day of the exact same thing.

Day 2 was much the same as Day 1. We woke up at 4, arrived at Labor Finders at 5:30, and got to the job site at 7. But...we arrived to find out that everything that we did the day before had been partially or fully ruined. For instance, I had spent a few hours spreading rocks in what would be 4 garages and grading it to a specific height with respect to the concrete walls....as soon as I returned to work, my boss told me it needed to be re-done. There were things that I had literally spent hours doing that I had to completely do over. It was very frustrating.

When the day ended and we were invited back again, we were a little disappointed. Neither Chad nor I really wanted to do it again but we felt as though we didn’t really have a choice. It was only the third day that we were there and we both wanted to stay in Richard’s good graces so we accepted.

Obviously the job was very difficult. Working the ground all day long is tough stuff. But, after about a week and a half of it, God shed some light on the subject. During one of our worship/lesson sessions, we talked about work.

We talked about the fact that in the Bible, it says that man came FROM Earth. Genesis 2:7 says "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” That is to say, God had already created the earth...then God created man. (Interestingly enough, the name “Adam” means “Red Earth”).

Then in Genesis 2:15 it says “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” So man’s first “job” was to work the Garden.

In Genesis 3, which talks about the Fall of Man, God says to Adam: “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.”

I’ve read these chapters in the Bible before, but it really hit home this time. Man was created FROM the earth and put to work ON the earth. Then God curses the Earth and says that Adam will have to work it and eat of it all the days of his life. Adam’s first “job” was to move dirt in the Garden of Eden and here I am moving dirt in Colorado. Ok so it’s not EXACTLY the same thing, but you get the idea.

Our generation definitely tries to shy away from working the earth. We have equipment and machinery that does it for us now. It’s all about making more money and working less.

Do I think that this is a bad thing? Not necessarily, we’ve become more efficient in a lot of things. What used to take months now takes only days. But, there’s something to be said about working the Earth as God had intended. When I’ve entered into a hard day’s work with Christ, it feels like I’m truly “taking up my Cross.”

My idea of work prior to this experience was sitting at a computer doing spreadsheets on Microsoft Excel. It has been really challenging and yet really awesome working in the dirt with hand tools. There were definitely times that I wanted to throw down my shovel and quit, but there’s satisfaction in knowing that working the earth is what God originally created Adam to do.

In the end it was a great learning experience. While digging in the dirt, I had a lot of time to think and pray. It has certainly been a powerful experience in my spiritual walk.

First Day at Work

Last week we started our jobs. All of us are doing some sort of manual labor. 7 of us work for a construction company...My job is a little different. I've got about a thousand things that I would love to blog about my job but I will just start with the first day.

Originally we were all set up with jobs that we would hold through the duration of the summer. At some point before the program started, one of the employers backed out of the deal. That left 4 people without a job, myself included. The other 3 were Chad, Riley, and Jeff.

What looks and sounds like an unfortunate situation on the surface, has turned out to be one of the greatest learning experiences of my life...and I've only been doing it for a week.

They sent us to a place called Labor Finders. It's a "day labor" office in what is the "rough" part of town. It's right across the street from a homeless shelter, and it's evident that many that stay in the shelter also work at Labor Finders.

Day 1 at Labor Finders was an experience in and of itself. We were told to be ready to leave the house at 4:45am. So the 4 of us woke up at 4:00am, put on our work clothes, packed a lunch, ate a bowl of cereal and left at 4:45am.

When we arrived at the office, there was already a line outside the door. The office opens at 5:30am and if you want any hope of getting a job that day, you'd better be there before then. Josh gave us a few words of advice about Labor Finders...he had been in a similar situation with work last summer. He told us about the manager of the place named Richard...and how we'd have to work hard to earn his respect. Boy was he right.

It's nearly impossible for me to describe the scenario that we walked in to. I really wish I had pictures to illustrate my surroundings. First of all, I was incredibly embarrassed with my clothing. My brand new work boots were spotless and so were my new dickies pants. It made me feel even more out of place than I already did. Everyone's clothes had been "broken in" by what appeared to be years of hard labor. Let’s just say that the attire was quite a bit different from the pastel polo shirts and business casual dress of my every-day life prior to the TG experience.

We stood in line acting like we knew what we were doing, but two older gentlemen saw right through us. Luckily they were nice enough to tell us that we needed to get an application from Richard and they pointed him out. The 4 of us made our way over to the counter as Richard was walking out from behind it. "Excuse me," Riley asked, "can we get a some applications?"

"....um....can I pee first?" Richard replied sarcastically. Off to a bad start.

Finally, they reluctantly gave us some applications and we began to fill them out. As I finished and approached the counter, I saw that Chad was talking to Richard. "Can I use a credit card as my second form of ID?" Chad asked. "Absolutely Not. You don't have a Social Security card on you?" Richard retorted. "No sir" Chad answered. "Well then I can't help you" Richard stated as he threw Chad's application carelessly on a desk behind him. We were not making a very good first impression.

Luckily I happened to have the wallet that I no longer carry and it had my social security card in it. I was safe for now. Jeff also had his card but Riley did not, so Chad and Riley went to a nearby social security office to wait until it opened while Jeff and I awaited employment.

So I sat there...just thinking...for hours. Richard was obviously not very impressed with these 4 suburbanite boys that strolled in off the street with their northface backpacks, mountain hardware jackets, and brand new work pants (ok...I was the only one with brand new work pants but you get the idea).

Neither I nor Jeff got a job that day. This isn't really a “first come first serve” situation. It's not a government funded agency. It's a business. They provide a service to their customers (people in search of labor workers) and they want to provide their customers with the best possible service. That means the hardest workers get the jobs. We had not yet proven ourselves to be worthy. We found out from one of the kind older men that if Richard hasn't given you any work by 9:30, you're not getting work that day. Case closed. Go home. So Jeff and I waited until Chad and Riley returned at about 9:45 and the 4 of us went back to the cabin with our tails between our legs. Not a great first day at work.

God's Timing

Many of you have heard the story of how I came upon Training Ground. Others have heard bits and pieces. Still others have heard nothing...and probably just found out that I’m no longer in Knoxville. For all of you who care to know, this is the story of how I came upon Training Ground.

First a little background information. I graduated in December of 2007 with a degree in Finance. In the weeks both before and after graduation, I was very unsure of where my life was headed. Rather than actively pursue some sort of career, the stress of graduating and entering the “real world” took its toll and I disengaged. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life.

I had been working at an investment firm for the past year and a half and figured it was the logical choice that I stay in that field. Luckily for me, my bosses offered me a full-time job as an “investment analyst” upon graduation and I was off the hook for now.

As I began the duties of my new position, it gradually became clearer and clearer that investment work wasn’t for me. I simply wasn’t passionate enough about it to build a life in that field. But since I didn’t have any better ideas at the time, I elected to stick around and learn as much as I could about investments, business, and all things related.

This was all happening while other major life-changing events were going on in my life. Sometime in late January of 2008 I began walking with the Lord again. While I became a Christian in High School, I surely wasn’t living it while in college. After graduating and taking a good hard look at my life, the Lord revealed to me that I was trying to do it all on my own...and obviously it wasn’t working. I had no clue where I was going or what I was doing and it was stressing me out.

So I handed my life over to God...again. You could call it a re-commitment but I prefer to say that God showed me the heart that he had given me back when I was 17 and I once again began living for him.

Needless to say, I began praying tirelessly about my job. I felt as though God was leading me in another direction for a number or reasons. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” In the past few months, God has amplified a number of passions of mine. One of which being my passion for the Outdoors. The Lord revealed to me that my heart did not desire investment management, it desired the wilderness.

As time went on, I began searching for an outlet for my desires. I started buying and selling outdoor equipment on eBay. I started searching for jobs at Outdoor companies. I looked for jobs in the outdoor industry. I searched the web for possible job opportunities. I even applied for an Assistant Manager position at a few of Knoxville’s local outdoor stores.

The more I prayed about it, the more I felt like God had something in store for me...and yet, I still wasn’t getting any answers. I began to get a little frustrated. I couldn’t understand why God was making me feel as though I needed to look for a new venture but wasn’t providing anything concrete.

It became too much. I couldn’t concentrate at work because I was dwelling on the idea that God had something else in store for me! I didn’t know what to do. So one day I left for lunch, went to a nearby park, and just prayed.

I asked God why he was giving me all these desires and not coming through. As I prayed and prayed, God started revealing things to me. I could see how selfish I was being about my job. I could see that I was trying to make all these things happen in MY time and not allowing God to do his work. I was becoming so focused on the negativity of the matter, that I wasn’t able to see anything positive.

I had a job that most people would LOVE to have, and yet...I was entirely un-greatful to God for it. So I prayed some more. I prayed that God would allowe me to see my job as the blessing that it truly was. I was so privledged to have that job and yet I didn’t care. I asked for God’s forgiveness and that he would give me the strength to work to the best of my ability.

When I got back to work after lunch, I was incredibly excited to finish out the day. I finally came to terms with the fact that I would be there as long as God felt was necessary. That’s not to say I was “complacent”...I was defiantly open to new things. The difference was that I wasn’t dwelling on it anymore. I was simply happy with where I was but available for anything that might come up in the future. (By the way...this was on April 30th).

And then it happened. While taking a short break at work, I was checking the facebook and saw an advertisement. I have seen literally hundreds of ads on the facebook but none caught my attention like this one. It said “A River Runs Through It: Become a man of God. Be tested. Experience Christ through fishing, men, and God in Colorado for 12 weeks this summer.”

I was intrigued...so I clicked on the ad. It took me to the website for Training Ground. Without knowing why, I immediately felt very drawn to it. So I spent about 15 minutes checking out the site. Everything on it looked awesome but to be honest, I had no idea what it was really all about. I had never heard of it, I didn’t know anyone who had ever mentioned it, and frankly I was a little skeptical.

I checked out the mission and vision of the program. Everything seemed to line up with the teachings of Christ...but I just didn’t know. Either way, I felt like it was something worth looking in to and praying about. I wrote a quick e-mail telling my Mom about it. I said that I felt very drawn to it and thought I needed to pray about it. I mentioned that the program started on May 19th, but if it was in God’s plan...then it would happen.

After sending the e-mail, I got back to work and tried not to think much about Training Ground. I decided that since I spent more time than expected on my “break” I would stick around the office for about 30 minutes after 5:00 and then go work out.

Before I left to work out, my friend Paul called me. I was pretty excited that he called because we hadn’t been able to get in touch with one another for the past few weeks. He asked if I wanted to go get some dinner at a Presbyterian church on Kingston. Although I had planned on working out, I decided to go.

As it turned out, Paul wasn’t even a member at the church...he just goes there sometimes on Wednesday Nights for the church dinner. He did, however, know a number of people there. When we walked in, Paul said “Now this is the guy that I come here to see...Steven, this is David Wallace.”

We exchanged greetings and brief conversation, and then went to grab some food. Paul got us some seats at a table with David and his wife.

As dinner conversation progressed, Paul decided to put David on the spot. He asked “What have you learned about yourself in Christ through your marriage?” I thought it to be a very funny and potentially awkward question, but in Paul and David’s relationship, I assumed it was quite normal. David thought for a minute and then answered the question. We all mulled that over for a minute.

Then David turns to me and says “I’m going to ask you the same question....but about your job.” Now I was the one that was on the spot. Luckily, I had a lot to talk about, considering the fact that I had just prayed about it earlier that day.

I told the people at the table about what I told you regarding my job. How I was being selfish about it, not seeing it for the blessing that it was, and how I thought God was leading me elsewhere but I wanted it in my own time. I also mentioned that I felt a great connection with the outdoors.

“What do you mean by the outdoors?” David asked. “you know...canoeing, camping, backpacking, rock climbing, kayaking...just basically experiencing nature.”

With a contemplative look on his face, David asked “Are you single?”

“Yes...” I replied.

“You don’t have like a mortgage, or dog or something?” David inquired.

“Nope.” I answered

“So you’re pretty un-attached....” David asked.

“Yep...un-attached” I answered.

“I feel like you might really benefit from going out to Colorado Springs...” He said.

A sinking feeling came over me. Wasn’t that where that program was? Colorado Springs right...? Naw...couldn’t be. So I asked “What’s out there?”

He said, “A friend of mine name [Zan] runs a program there...”

I couldn’t think clearly...I tried desperately to search my mind for what I was looking for. I had seen a video on the Training Ground website. I was almost positive that there was some name on there that was kind of different. I hadn’t really thought about how to pronounce it, but I was almost positive that it started with an X. So I asked, “Wait.....how do you spell [Zan]?”

David replied “X-A-N...it’s short for Alexander.”

“Oh my gosh....” I exclaimed, “um....Training....Training....” I could barely think.

“Yeah, Training Ground...you’ve heard of it?” David asked.

“Oh my gosh.....yes.....today.”

I went in to the story of how I stumbled on the website, felt drawn toward it and really felt as though I should look into doing the Summer program. David asked when the summer program started to which I replied “May 19th...19 days.”

“19 days?” he replied, “...sounds like it’s about time to put in your two weeks notice”

“That’s exactly what it sounds like.” I answered.

At that point I knew. It was most certainly in God’s plan for me to be at Training Ground in Colorado Springs on May 19th. Bear in mind, I hadn’t even APPLIED to the program yet...and I already started thinking about the logistics of me getting out there.

Later that night, I e-mailed Xan and Cory, the directors of the program. I told them the story of what had happened, and let them know that I believed that God wanted me at the Summer program.

Then next day, Cory sent me an application to fill out. There were 5 or 6 short answer questions, 2 essays, and 2 references needed. I completed the application by Saturday and e-mailed it to Cory. On Sunday, Josh (one of the interns) called me to tell me that I had been accepted to the program.

From that point on, my whole world flipped upside down. I had to put in my 2 weeks notice, get a plane ticket, obtain health insurance, figure out what I was going to do with all my things, move out of my house, etc. It was probably the most hectic two weeks of my life.

People that knew the situation kept asking if I was excited. “There’s still a lot left to do...I’m not there yet” I would answer. I knew that a lot could happen in a matter of days and It wasn’t a guarantee that I was going to be able to go.

As it got closer and closer to the 19th, the list of things that I needed to accomplish got shorter and shorter. On Friday, May 16th, I finished packing up my car and left for Jacksonville, FL (to take my car and things home). The next day, my parents dropped me off at the airport to fly to Denver. After staying in a hotel Saturday night, one of the interns picked me up in Denver on Sunday morning and drove me to the Training Ground cabin in Colorado Springs. I actually made it.

I have continually been amazed with God’s power and presence in my life. Over the past 6 months, God has had his hand in my life in so many ways...because I’ve invited him into it. I know now more than ever that he will guide us to places we would never imagine if only we allow him to do so. God is constantly speaking to us in many ways...we just have to pray for the ears to listen.

Leaving Behind, Looking Forward

Early Monday morning, our first Wilderness Trip began. We packed our backpacks under the guidance of Cory and Xan, hopped in the cars, and began the journey.

The trip was full of lots of guessing along the way but none of us could have truly figured out where we were going. We ended up in Medicine Bow National Forest in the Snowy Range in Wyoming.

Snowy Range is right. We could see the snow from a distance, but I didn't imagine that we'd be hiking in it. As we drove further and further into the mountains, I knew we were in for an experience.

Once drove as far as we could into the National Forrest, we stopped the cars and unloaded the gear. Even while in the midst of the snowy mountains, I had no idea that we would actually be hiking in the snow. Little did I know, the Turtle Shell roof-top carrier that was on Cory's car held 15 pairs of trekking poles, and 15 pairs of snow-shoes.

We hiked a good way up the mountain on the road and then stopped at what must have been some sort of trail. Well...if there there WAS a trail it wasn't visible; there was about 6 feet of snow on the ground. So we put on our snowshoes and began trekking through the snow into the unknown.

Although we didn't hike for long, I hadn't fully adjusted to the altitude yet. It's amazing how much more difficult it is to breathe when you're hiking above 11,000 feet! It gives me a whole new respect for the people who climb Everest!

After arriving to our campsite (a patch of grass and dirt in the midst of snowy surroundings), we set up camp and sat down to reflect. Cory and Xan read us Matthew 4:18-22 and asked us to go be alone and reflect on it for a while.

In Matthew 4:18-22, Jesus calls the first disciples. He first sees Simon (Peter) and his brother Andrew while they are fishing. To them he says "Come follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." Then he sees James and John (sons of Zebedee). They are working on their father's boat with their father. He calls to them as well and they come.

Xan and Cory asked that we reflect on what we left behind when we came to Training Ground, and then also what we want to move towards.

First of all, I will say that what astounds me the most about that passage is that James and John were on their father's boat WITH their father! Jesus called to them and they came. That must have been an extremely difficult situation. They immediately got up and followed Jesus. They left everything that they know to follow this man who they may or may not have ever met. Chances are they had heard of Jesus...but either way, the call from the Lord was so powerful that they could not resist.

That feels a lot like what we all have done with Training Ground. We've all left everything that we know because it is clear that God has called us to something else. I get the impression that we all feel as though we are alone in this...but we've all done it. All of us have left our lives to pursue what God has in store for us. Our desire to grow closer to the Lord is greater than our fears of the unknown.

I believe that we've all come here and at times not even known why! There have been multiple times that I've said to myself "What am I doing here?!" I know that I'm not the only one. But the Lord has called us all. We have been called to THIS session with THESE other men. I'm sure we will find out why in months to come.

I'm guessing that at times the disciples had the same doubts. Don't you think that when they were persecuted and treated as outcasts they wondered "why the heck are we following this guy?" But I know that somewhere deep down in all of our hearts we know why we are following him. Following the Lord is RARELY the easy journey, but I would submit that almost nothing in life worth doing is easy.

What will we find out here? Will we find the hearts that we're looking for? Will we truly become the men that we want to become?

Right now I'm sitting in the midst of the wilderness somewhere in Wyoming. We hiked for miles wearing snowshoes to find a patch of grassy land in the middle of snow-covered terrain. Now, of course I've been camping before...but I slept OUTSIDE last night...no tent. Just me in a zero degree sleeping bag under the stars of the gorgeous Wyoming sky! If I'm on a journey to find my masculine heart...I'd say I'm off to a good start.

With this process has come an increased desire to learn. When we were all back at our homes there was more of a pressure to KNOW everything that we might encounter. Many of us have for years hidden behind our false selves and played the role of someone who has got it all figured out. When we didn't know how to do something, we'd fake it. We acted like we knew what we're talking about...tons of guys do it. When someone brings up a topic and we haven't the slightest clue as to what they're talking about...how many times out of 10 do we just "smile and nod." I think back to when I was a bartender at a beach club and someone ordered a Goombay Smash. I had no earthly idea what a Goombay Smash was...but I sure as heck didn't want THEM to know that. So what did I say? "Goombay Smash? sure! coming right up!" I then proceeded to sneak into the back and Google it. I faked it. I acted like I knew what I was talking about. I hid behind a false self because I was embarrassed that I didn't know something.

Not the case here...there's a willingness to learn unlike any other. We all recognize that none of us have it "all figured out". This program is designed for young men who are tired of faking their way through life. We have a desire to learn. We want to learn about ourselves, about God, about being men, about LIFE! That's why we're here.

Finally Here

Well...I made it. I'm finally here in Colorado Springs and it's gorgeous. I would really have liked if I would have written in my journal much more during the trip, but frankly, I just couldn't do it. I didn't know what to say; it didn't seem real that I was leaving everything I know and moving towards such uncertainty.

We've been kept "In the dark" about nearly everything up to and including now. I thought for sure that I was the only one that knew nothing of what lied ahead...turns out, none of us do.

The first guy that I met here was Riley Hall. He was walking through the reception lobby at the Denver airport and looked just as confused as I felt. We made eye contact for a second and somewhere deep down I knew that he was part of the program too. Seeing me sitting there reading "Wild at Heart", he knew that we were in the Denver airport for the same reason. "You look like someone I'm supposed to meet..." he said.

That was the point in which I knew...I wasn't alone. We had both traveled without companion from very different parts of the country and stumbled upon each other in the Denver airport. Riley is from Alaska. I flew out of the Jacksonville, FL airport yesterday. Talk about two people from two different worlds! But we are both here in Colorado for the same reason...to find our hearts as men.

Together we tackled the tasks ahead. We called Josh (one of the interns) who put us in contact with the other intern (Jonathan) who was picking us up. Jonathan gave us the phone numbers of the other two guys we were to meet up with: Forrest and Dave. I knew Forrest already, but didn't know Dave...so Riley and I began the search. It wasn't too hard...we just looked for the most confused 20-something year old that we could find.

Once Riley and I found the other two, we met up with Jonathan and began the short trip to Colorado Springs. During the drive, I asked Jonathan a number of questions about the other guys in the program and questions about the program in general. Truth be told, I knew he wasn't going to answer anything that I asked.

Eventually we made it to the cabin. It's definitely in the wilderness. There are other houses and cabins nearby but it's definitely unlike any living arrangement that I've ever had. Plus there are mountains in the backyard.

I've come to find out that this is actually only the third time that they've had the Training Ground program! They began the ministry last summer, had one in the Spring, and now here we are! Additionally, this is the largest group that they've had by far. In fact, they had to rent the house across the street from the cabin to accommodate everyone.

Tomorrow we are leaving for our first wilderness trip. They obviously haven't told us where we are going, but I'm still incredibly excited.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to get used to uncertainty in this program. It will be a lesson in patience and trust. As frustrating as it can (and probably will) be, I know that it's a good thing.

In life, we can never really be certain about what lies ahead. For that reason we must fully trust in the Lord. It's something that sometimes seems impossible...but it's necessary.